From: "Les Bell" firstname.lastname@example.org WINMODEM HOWTO
1. Grasp rubbish bin firmly in left hand.
2. Gripping the winmodem in the right hand, pull it vertically from the computer and hurl it into the rubbish bin. Sports biomechanists advise that expelling air forcefully from the lungs in a yell - as in "F*ck you, Gates!" - helps to achieve greater performance.
3. Take a piece of paper - letter size in North America, A4 elsewhere - and write on it, 100 times:
"I will never bend over and let Microsoft do it to me again."
4. Buy a modem. A modem can be identified by the presence of a D-shaped, 25-pin connector on the back, as well as an RJ-11phone jack. If a salesman attempts to sell you a device that does not have these features, perform steps 4a and 4b:
4a. Grasp the salesman firmly in the left hand. His tie is always a bright red color, just to help you identify a good choke-hold location.
4b. Gripping the sois-disant "modem" in the right hand, shove it forcefully down the saleman's throat. He won't make the same mistake again, and you can take pride in having contributed to his education.
5. Plug the modem into your computer's serial port with an RS-232C cable.
6. Read the manual that came with the modem, and pay particular attention to the "Getting Started" section. It requires no more than two pages to inform even the most cretinous user of the init and dial strings for even the most complex modem (by contrast, it takes me at least four pages just to document, in a bug report, the stupid behaviour of Windows 95 when it fails to auto-detect new hardware and will not, repeat not, install the "required" "modem driver").
7. Edit the two short strings into the appropriate config file.
8. Connect, surf, email, add beer to taste.